WHY others talk over you.

HOW it makes you feel.

WHAT to do when it happens.

He's known to do it. He's waiting for his opportunity. And here it comes...

You're at the office with coworkers, in a restaurant with friends, or at a holiday dinner with family. You’re sharing a story about something meaningful. Midway through your explanation, you take a dramatic breath as you prepare to conclude your thoughts. Before you can begin, he decides to inject their own perspective with force…pulling all attention away from you and on to him. You look at him. Irritation sets in. You see his mouth moving, but you can’t hear him speak. As you recognize your time to share has been stolen for a moment, you wonder if others feel the same awkwardness. 

Your heart begins to boil...

WHY would anyone do this? 

After watching 1000’s of these situations at home, work, with friends, and in every personal and professional environment imaginable, I’ve come to one general conclusion.

Those that choose to talk over others are scared. They’re fearful of not feeling, or being seen as, valuable in the present moment. For many people, listening or not being in the spotlight, means taking the back seat of lesser value. In that moment, they don't feel that they matter as much. They’re like a caged wolf in the back of the zoo. No one pays them any attention. They can no longer endure another moment without some level of notoriety. Eventually, they do something impulsive to seek attention.

They are overwhelmed with fear and the insecurity in their very existence. And they feel an action step needs to be taken, immediately, to make that fear go away.

So…interruption pursues…

(Side Hint:  Catch kids BEFFORE they feel the need to be impulsive - and they won't act out.)

HOW does it make you feel?

When interrupted, our brains go into FIGHT or FLEE mode. We start with some confusion (Wait...what? - Interruption is crossgrain to “flow.”). We then try to reason (Did that really just happen?). Reality is discovered (It did. That goon just stole the stage.). And we move quickly to being annoyed, irritated or even angry, and perhaps a little hurt while initiating some level of insecurity of our own. 

Then we react: Fight or Run Away.

WHAT do we do? An alternative response.

Before we decide to Fight (power struggle) or Flee (give up and leave the party), I’d like to propose a third option.

Many will tell you to get in a power struggle (Men use the phrase, "man up"). Speak your mind. Put them in their place. You’re just as important as they are (that's just a reminder).

It might sound like this, “Dude! Don’t cut me off until I’m finished. I was talking."

These responses can be grounded in our own fear of being left alone and without listeners valuing our comments. It can also escalate the entire situation. Without knowing HOW your opponent (because that's what he is now) will respond to your demand, you run the risk of an argument with no end in sight.

Keep in mind, it’s challenging to reason with someone, the interrupter, who is scared that others don’t value their own presence?

It’s like trying to feed a pork chop to an abused Rottweiler. They don't have the capacity to engage on a healthy level with a human. They are closed off to anyone or anything. Only trying to protect their own presence. By trying to reason, overpower or control the situation, you may only escalate it.

As you sit and watch their mouth move, you realize you have 3 options:

1. Power Forward

Tell them to stop talking or begin speaking a little louder to try and "overpower" your opponent.

I'm never a big fan of the power struggle. In the end, there will be a winner and a loser. And you run the risk of eliminating a win-win…always the best result.

   2. Back Away

After being interrupted, step back 6 inches, then 1 foot, followed by 4, 5 and 10 feet until you are no longer in their presence. This gets you out, but eliminates any opportunity to share your thoughts, story, & insite…leaving you and your listeners at a deficit. 

I'm not a fan of this option either.

   3. Find Your Win   

Stop talking (when interrupted), it's pointless for 2 people to be talking at the same time. Just as the human brain can't listen to 2 songs at the same time and hear every note.  Keep a confident stare and let the entire room know you've quickly transitioned to "secure, respectful, confident listener" but really don't appreciate the interruption. The group feels the dynamic shift. Their level of respect, and empathy, for you will increase immediately. Securely, let the other human find their way to the end of their comment. The longer they take, the deeper the hole they're digging for themselves. 

At the precise moment they stop, ask them, confidently, "would you mind if I finished now?" If yes, share as if they've never said anything. Your ability to manage the direction of the conversation will fascinate your listeners.

If they respond to the request with a longer story or a "I'm not finished," let the group know, "We’re all at an impasse if just one person in our group isn't interested in what others have to say." 

Every human will always desire a balance in a relationship over one person's desire to be heard.

This works brilliantly with kids, in sales, leadership and any situation that involves communication and humans (or animals).

And lastly, before we throw too many stones, let’s admit, we've all been the interrupter at some point. Afterward, feeling foolish and insecure, wishing we would have kept our mouth closed.

I’d also encourage you to take note of some of the quietest people in the room, gymnasium, living room or office. Most of the time, these souls will hold the highest levels of confidence, security, wisdom and power. Pull a chair up next to them, open and ear, and enjoy the adventure.

What does this have to do with Lone Oak Ranch? Without healthy amounts of time away from the hustle and bustle of your own life, we become worn down, tired and emotionally charged. Having a place to take a deep breath, recharge, experience nature, and find yourself at peace, you’ll discover a more efficient path to the best end result…in your work, at home and with others.

Remain Encouraged,

Brian