A friend stopped by my office a few weeks ago with a pretty intense set of challenges. 

She knocked on the door, found a chair and slumped down. I immediately noticed the long, defeated look on her face. I could tell she probably hadn’t slept well in weeks. Her pale face and dark circles around her eyes shared the obvious “hurt,” inside and out. 

I offered my ear for a few minutes and discovered the issues she faced were across the board. Money, personal relationships, parental challenges, physical health, automobile issues and so on…her list was extensive and the hole she appeared to be in was dark and deep. 

“I just don’t know why I can’t catch a break? Stuff just seems to always happen to me. I’m really struggling,” she shared as she held back her tears.

As she continued to share the array of issues she was facing, I closed my laptop in front of me and took a deep breath. She stopped for a moment, and I saw an opportunity to interject, save MYSELF time, and fix the entire situation. How badly, and how selfishly, I just wanted to be “THE FIXER!” 

My response was right there and on the tip of my tongue, “Ok, find a part time job. Budget your existing money. Eliminate the negative friends, immediately. Go for a 2 mile walk, daily. Set some tight and fair guidelines for your kids. Drink more water & less soda. Let's start there.” 

Had I shared MY solution, the result would NOT have been helpful:  Conversation over, problem not fixed, relationship strained. 

So I held back and sat in silence.

The challenge when finding the best ways to help someone through their own issues is to first understand the perspective of that person. I’ve heard so many well-paid therapists begin their response with, “I see. So try doing ‘this’ and then follow up with ‘that.’” All before they understand where that person has actually been in life up until that moment. 

By attempting to provide someone a solution without the appropriate perspective, you are essentially treating a headache with an antacid and a limited level of empathy.

So I sat there with my friend, not making a statement, and listened to understand. To truly encourage her into a brighter future, I need to know more.

Questions are an open pathway into another human soul.

She paused…and when I began to ask…the “understanding” arrived.

• She grew up in a single-parent household with 1 sibling. 

I grew up in a 2 parent home with a plethora of siblings. 

• Her history had been created in multiple homes with multiple people.

I grew up in the same home with the same people.

• Her youth provided constant changes, instability and was quite scattered over decades.

My youth had been reasonably consistent my entire life. 

• She had never been taught any sort of “faith, ways to share in helpful dialogue, or healthy habits.

I specifically recall prayer time, family time, healthy physical activities, meal times, consistent bedtimes and doing our best in school…as all a part of my daily routine.

• She was still seeking mentorship and role models.

I had already experienced an array of positive examples throughout my entire childhood. 

In our short time together that morning, I was able to formulate some additional encouragement simply by understanding the “why” in her actions leading to that moment. 

When we’re in the moment, other’s actions may be unhealthy and radical. But by understanding the context of their situation, their desire to make those decisions will make more sense.

And just as, if not more, importantly, questions let someone else know you simply care.

So why, with our kids, spouses, friends, employees and employers, are we so hesitant to stop, ask and listen?

Because questions leave us feeling less in-control and with an overabundance of vulnerability. You’ve traded the driver’s seat for the passenger window. Questions require personal security, confidence and patience. Questions reveal the truth, and where the truth is always the greatest gift, it can also be quite painful in the moment. 

In an effort to protect our own psychological well-being, we choose to make comments and share statements. Questions are open ended and leave us without a guaranteed direction. And that can be scary. 

Moving forward, I’m encouraging more questions and fewer comments. You’ll find the relationship growing, some peace established, and the solutions arriving.

What does this have to do with Lone Oak?
We realize how important these daily interactions are to everyone. How vital the empathy displayed in a question can be in influencing that human for the rest of their lives…and that’s meaningful.

These meaningful conversations aren’t normally taking place in a crowded sport complex, a noisy state fair, or at a rock concert.  WE KNOW THEY ARE HAPPENING while on a quiet walk, sitting on a peaceful bench in the woods, amidst a friendly Pickleball game in the shade, or around a campfire. We witness them daily.

Creating these intentional moments is what we do. The vehicle we use just happens to be nature, trees, quiet & safe spaces, and a lot of blue ski & fresh air.

Remain encouraged and come see us.

• Brian