The truth is, it’s not just kids or adults, employees or employers, religious, nonreligious, white, black or blue...It’s all of us. We all face fear—sometimes in fleeting moments, sometimes all day, all week, or all month long.

So what do we do with it?

My friend Jim is a giant of a man—over six feet tall and nearly 300 pounds. A former college football lineman, he was never the loud, aggressive type. But rather, he always had a calm, steady, and thoughtful presence. He is the kind of man I’ve always hoped my own sons would emulate in some form.

We met in college and stayed connected for years. Whenever he called, it felt like I took a trip home—back to my parents’ Kansas farmhouse for the holidays, where everything was always safe, comfortable and familiar.

A few months ago, I learned Jim’s wife was battling cancer. I hadn’t spoken with him for years, but when I called, his voice was the same…a calmness, yet full of energy and positivity. But underneath, I sensed something had shifted. After a few minutes of catching up, I asked, “Jim, how are you doing? Really.”

He paused for a moment before sharing some thoughts that have stayed with me:
“I’m really scared, man. One day you think your future is ahead of you. The next, you’re just trying to keep it together—your own health, the kids, finances, work, saying the right thing to your sick wife…while holding on to some sense of your own emotional stability. It’s really scary.”

Since that conversation, I’ve tried to be more intentional in understanding where, and why, others might be scared. Not always the same fear Jim’s carrying, but fear that can be shown in so many ways. 

Young kids may show sadness, even cry, when they get nervous and scared about tests, ballgames, and teachers’ and parents' responses. 

Teenagers may rebel, show anger, act out, or withdraw, when they feel fear and insecurity about not measuring up. It's a normal response for a young person when they feel inadequate or are on the verge of failing or disappointing someone.

Parents can get irritable, raise their voices, threaten and punish because they’re afraid of how they, themselves, will feel when their kids don’t measure up or succeed. They’re desperate to prevent their kids from feeling pain and discomfort. Why?  Because when our kids feel pain, parents feel the same pain...if not more.

Supervisors, teachers, business owners, and even grandparents carry their own versions of fear when they don't feel in control.  Unmet expectations, uncertain futures, and lives in limbo are all scary places to exist. Adults feel like its our job to keep order. So we keep asking our kids...

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"  or  "What will your major be in college?"   (I'm 51 and still don't know.)

Thoughts begin to swirl and emotions are created. Our powerful minds create a reality that doesn't currently exist.

• Parents wake up at 2am thinking:   He's lost. He won't find a job or have friends. He'll be living on the streets in 5 years.
• First time lawyer in the courtroom:    Everyone probably thinks I have no idea what I’m doing.
• A Grandpa after his grandson gets a DWI:   I bet the entire community thinks our family is in shambles.
• Brian's thoughts when the office porch isn't clean:   I’m sure customers think we can't do anything right. I'm going to lose everything. 
• The 3rd grade teacher trying to find a way to bring Susie's science grade up:    Could I lose my job if she fails?” 
• Jim:  I know the prognosis is good, but what will I do if the worst happens?

We have a habit of creating a reality in our own mind that normally ends in tragedy.

I saw fear in my 8th grader recently. He approached me with some hesitancy. “Dad, football isn’t as fun as baseball and basketball. I don’t like hitting people, and I really don’t like it when they hit me.” When I explained that I didn't play football past junior high, but rather, ran cross country, I watched relief wash over him. Our three-minute conversation lifted a very heavy weight off his already-tired shoulders.

The truth is, it’s not just kids or adults, employees or employers. It’s all of us. We all face fear—sometimes in fleeting moments, sometimes all day, week, or month long.

So what do we do with it? How do we put ourselves in a better space while helping others do the same?

1. Show some grace…to yourself and to others. We never know the full story behind someone else’s fear, worry or history. And if YOU'RE feeling scared, realize you’re human, with real feelings, emotions, and challenges. And that’s all ok.

    2. Offer some encouragement. A word of belief can change the course of someone’s day...and life.

    3. Create honest and direct dialogue..with compassion. Talking directly while sharing empathy and understanding brings light to places where fear hides. The more light, the less fear.

James Baldwin wrote, “The moment we cease to hold each other, the moment we break faith with one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.”

Maybe the best way forward is to keep holding each other—especially when we’re scared.

A brief update...

* Jim's wife is in remission and recuperating well.

* I remain busy keeping our office porch clean.  :)

Remain Encouraged,

Brian